Talking Dog
This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?", he asks.
"Yep", the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. H ad a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."
The guy says he'll buy the dog but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
Dead Parrot
A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead"
"How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"
So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head.
"A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"
So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.
Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500.
"$500?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?"
"Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan..."
Seeing-Eye Dog in Store
A blind man walks into a hardware store with his seeing eye dog. Very briskly, the man makes his way to the center of the store, and stops. Without hesitation, the man picks his dog up by its leash, and begins spin the dog around over his head. Seeing the poor pooch flying around the air, the store managers quickly makes his way over to the blind man. Without pause, the manager asks the gentleman if he can help. Without concern, the blind man replies, "Nope, just looking around."
Holy Puppies
A woman brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head when she had finished.
After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the usually talkative woman had grown silent. As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized."